Dear Rachel,

You are a complete dumbass. Here is a summary of your day as proof:

(NOTE: All “You / Me / I”’s = Rachel)

Well, since you stepped on those headphones last week, I decided to buy another $30 set the other day. What? Where are they now? Oh that’s right, you lost them, again. Apparently, God has decided that it can not be in your cards to have a set of headphones. I am too scared to buy a fifth pair only to be certain of this theory.

Secondly, remember how you got a ticket last week for underfeeding the parking meter? Well in order to avoid this, I changed $5 of quarters at Target today. This is what happened next:

1) You parked in the parking garage (which has meters, P.S. I agree that it is quite odd.)
2) You hopped out of my car
3) You skipped off to class

Yes, you forgot to feed the meter completely. And of course, when I am driving off, I spot a slip of paper rolled up under my windshield wiper. Yes, I got another parking ticket.

But wait– what? I’m not even certain that the slip is even a ticket (It is.)– since your arms were too short to reach the ticket in the middle of my windshield.

I won’t even begin on how much of a failure you feel like today. How is it possible to almost exactly replicate your weak day from last week? But instead of rolling down a hill, yes, you should most certainly walk into a lake-sized puddle (I did).

Bring your A-game next Tuesday. No more of this. Man up.

With Mediocre Feelings,

More-Sensible Rachel

P.S. Reader, I am not like Nikki / Jessica from Heroes and do not have more than one personality. I do not otherwise know how to admit to my impossible dumbassery.