OH HI, Reader!

It’s me. Rachel. It’s been (again) so long since I’ve written, and I thought I’d just grace you with my thoughts for the day:

1. I can not foresee a situation in my life where I would be willing to spend $100+ on a throw pillow. I am actually baffled at how many non-$100-dollar-bill-adorned pillows going for over $100. Even an unskilled seamstress like me can sew two pieces of fabric together and stuff it with cotton (or anything, really). Please, it’s childsplay.

2. My fobby perm gets really knotty. It’s like brushing out a rope.

3. Downsizing my closet is challenging.

Okay, that’s all I’ve got for now.

Goodnight, Reader!

LOVE,

Rachel

P.S. I’m old.

Dear Reader,

I have a paper cut on the corner between my thumb and forefinger. It’s pretty much the most horrible thing I can imagine.

Also, it’s getting cold outside– I need to get to Six Flags ASAP. Except, I do have moderate concerns that “Fright Fest” will be out of my bravery-league. I suppose this is the price I pay for slacking on Six Flags during the summer.

Okay, my creativity is really lacking at the moment, so I’m going to attempt at sleep, yet again.

LOVE,

Rachel

P.S. Sorry that this post is so terrible.

Hello Reader,

I wrote the following in my iPhone “notepad” during my flight this morning. Please enjoy, while I go to sleep immediately.

——-

3:05 est. August 30, 2011

Dear Guy sitting next to me on my 6 hour, red-eye, cross-country flight to Philadelphia,

I am going to karate chop you after our flight lands, and this is why.

1. You are one of 2 people on a 200 person flight who insists on leaving their spot light on during Rachel’s mandatory sleeping time. While this usually isn’t an issue, I am literally blinded, and this is preventing me from sleeping. I need an eye mask. Or for you to kindly turn off your light.

2. Additionally, you have insisted on keeping your air vent on the “tornado” setting- and it is ricocheting off of your book and into my ear / hair. Not an ideal sleeping situation for Rachel.

3. You just sneezed on me. Omg.

4. You are hogging up our “shared” arm rest, plus about 3 inches of the prime real estate that is my chair. You are lucky that I am travel-sized and that I don’t require the extra arm-space. I am less than happy with you, at the moment.

5. Dinosaur breath. I would really like a surgical mask, in addition to my eye mask.

In conclusion, I am not very pleased with you. Please turn off your light and pop a breath mint- or close your mouth. At the very minimum, please, please, do not sneeze on me again.

Thank you.

- Rachel.

—–

Side note: This guy actually stole my extra chocolate while I was “sleeping”- or trying to. Who does that? I do not approve.

Oh Hi, Reader–

It’s me again. As you may have guessed from the clever title of this entry, I am sick. Here are some answers to the hypothetical questions you may (should) have:

How did you get sick?
My co-worker, despite being sick, decided to stay at work and thus contaminated me by sneezing, coughing, and breathing on me multiple times over the course of a week. I may or may not have plans to beat him up when I recover.

What kinds of symptoms do you have?
A high of 102.7 degree fever, coughing, sneezing, loss of voice, and overall congestion. However, not to worry, I have been medicating myself with DayQuil and NyQuil, when appropriate.

Are you just laying in bed watching TV all day?
Yes. I just subscribed to NetFlix for the sole purpose of entertainment while I am sick. However, it is surprisingly difficult to sift through the terrible movies and find the small handful of movies I find acceptable.

On a related note, some of these chick-flicks are embarrassingly intolerable. Just watched “Dear John”– and I would liken the experience to watching a sidewalk crack for the first hour, and in the last half hour, an ant saves the day by crawling out of the sidewalk crack with a leaf. The end.

Have you tried lemon and honey tea?
Yes. Except my senses are so inhibited, I can’t taste, hear, or smell anything. Being sick is the worst. Surprise.

When you say you’ve lost your voice, does that mean you sound like a man?
Yes. I sound like a man right now. I almost want to record myself with this voice and play it back later. More to come, perhaps.

I think that covers everything anyone could possibly wonder about the incredibly important event of me being sick. You’re welcome.

That’s it! Thanks for reading! Good night! :).

LOVE,

Rachel

Oh hi. It’s me again.

Per the infinite requests of my *die-hard* fans (KP), I have decided to elaborate on my happening Jersey life. In some ways, my life here these last five months has really exceeded my expectations. Please see the following:

-I have been to a real Jersey Shore party. As in, a party on the Shore of New Jersey. It was okay.
-I see the same Italian Guido everyday. He works out relentlessly and it takes him “25 minutes” to do his hair (please listen to “Beat Dat Beat” by Pauly D to most fully understand this reference). Perhaps a video to come? — Who knows.
-The Guido previously mentioned also wears the “Shirt Before The Shirt”, as per standard Guido custom.
-Living on the East Coast means easy access to several major metropolitan areas and happening things. I LOVE IT.
-It is illegal to pump your own gas in Jersey, therefore, I have not filled up my own tank in 5+ months. It is excellent.

However, as we also know, Jersey has some less-friendly aspects as well– some of which include:

-No left turns / “Jughandles”– dumbest idea ever. No further explanation is necessary.
-Bank-breaking tollways. I have never seen a toll in the Midwest exceed $2– ever. And yet the bridge from New Jersey to New York is $11. The bridge from New Jersey to Philadelphia is $4. Seriously, unacceptable.
-Jersey people are generally scary.

I know KP was looking for something more exciting and secretive than what I have provided in this post, but I am sorry to disappoint, yet again. I feel like I need to write in general terms until I start writing frequently enough to dive into specifics.

Thank you for understanding.

LOVE,

Rachel

P.S. KP, Take IBM’s offer. DO IT. K, Thanks.

Oh hi, Reader,

It’s me again, Rachel. I realize it has been VERY long time since the last time you have heard from me, so I have summarized the last 10 months of my life into the following bullet points:

-I graduated from the University of Iowa.
-I moved to New Jersey to work for Lockheed Martin.
-I live in New Jersey. (Had to list it twice, because it is so strange and unexpected.)

That’s pretty much it. I’ll write back “soon” regarding my opinions of and experiences in New Jersey.

LOVE,

Rachel

Dear Reader,

It’s been a really long time. I know your lives have been really lacking from these past few months of no-blogging, but all is pretty much the same in my life:

ULTIMATE FAIL.

Today was the first day of my last semester in Undergrad (YAY). However, despite the joyous news of my last semester, I have been stuck driving the Strugglebus (also known as, The Bus of Struggles), yet again, as of late.

Here are some examples of my (extreme) struggles:

-Today, I wandered through every scary nook and creepy cranny searching for my 8am class, only to find it, then wait for 50 minutes for my teacher not to show up.

-Also, I am blessed with ANOTHER 4:30pm Friday Final this semester. WHAT THE JECK (Spanish for “Heck”.)

-The crystals on the butt of my jeans kept falling off today. This was devastating.

-Also, I am looking for a job, still. Sigh.

-Lastly, my plants (seeds) are not growing. I do not understand why.

I understand that these problems are huge. It is probably difficult to wrap your head around them, Dear Reader, but they are very real. Hope all is going well in your lives, and I will try to write again before 2011.

Love,

Rachel

P.S. In light of some real struggles going on, here’s the Red Cross Haiti Relief Donation page. Please help.

Dear Future Rachel,

Now that you’ve finally graduated and are clearly wildly successful in your work life, maybe you are reminiscing about school and wishing you could be back in college.

THIS IS FALSE.

I, Current Rachel, just want to take this opportunity to remind you how difficult college was and how little you should miss it.

–Remember when you had three midterms in one day? And a Case Study + Presentation that same week?

–Do you remember how sleep deprived you were?

– Do you remember when you didn’t have a job, and you had to bend over backwards for only an interview?

–Remember when you sat through all those *interesting* mandatory classes you cared so much about? No? OH I wonder why…

I, Current Rachel, have a million more reasons for you not to miss this, but am currently in the process of cramming for midterms, so I hope this extinguishes your unwarranted nostalgia.

LOVE,

Rachel

P.S. Current Rachel is so tired today.

Dear Reader,

This is going to be real quick.

Today, like most days, I was listening to some intimidating rap on my drive to class. As I was rapping along, (possibly inserting occasional gang signs when applicable) it occurred to me that I will likely not become a professional rapper.

Not only is my voice too high / not-threatening, I also have difficulty pronouncing English words in any not-White way. But, possibly the most influential factor in this recent revelation is how monotone rappers speak, and how not-monotone I speak. During my otherwise perfectly-synced raps, the things I say are of extremely varying tones, (similar to the way I speak in real life), and not at all like the gangsters in the song.

Not that I was holding out for a career in gangster rap, but, I think I just know for sure now. I think I may also need to retire from my part-time car-rapping career soon, although that is still TBD.

That’s all. I have to go maintain my weaksauce.

LOVE,

Rachel

P.S. If I ever mention enrolling in summer school in the future, Reader, I invite you to beat me with a small-medium stick.

Dear Reader,

I am allotting exactly 30 minutes for this blog. And although I promised to write about the eccentric people in my Chemistry class, this blog will mostly be about how weak my sauce is + the things I think about. Here is a series of lists that have been running through my mind this month:

Things I Like This Month:

- Target
- Chipotle
- Sweet Tea
- Kids < 5 and >17
- This bedspread at Target (I like trees on my bed.)
- Gangster rap that makes me feel dangerous
- Tobi Steamer (Steams your clothes.)
- My LSAT Class
- Knitting

Things I Wish for the Immediate Future:

- I wasn’t so F-ed in Life ATM.
- To go watch Harry Potter

**GREAT THINGS ABOUT FUNNY PEOPLE IN MY CHEMISTRY CLASS**

Lady-Who-Wears-Velvet-Pants-And-Eats-Out-Of-Her-Pocket

- Seems like a disheveled bird-lady who makes a permanent duck-face
- Drives a new BMW X5
- Is in Introductory Chemistry at Community College, but already has a PHD and owns some sort of Mystery Clinic in the area
- Is quite heavy and wears short dresses that expose her entire, very large, veiny, lumpy bare thighs

Big-Black-Girl-Who-Wears-Blood-Stoppingly-Tight-Clothes-Daily:

- Wears short sleeve shirts that double as a tourniquet
- Wears white lace panties under her too thin / too tight capris
- Attends class < Not attending class (not sure how she is passing)
- Sports 2.5" glittery / intricately detailed claws
- Sports comparably long toenails

Uppity-Theater-Girl-Who-Sits-In-front-of-Me:

- Annoying.

Goth-Girl:

- Seems nice, but just seeing Goth attire in college is unusual

Frosted-Tips-Guy:

- Smarter than initially expected
- Chatty (like me)

That’s all I have for now. I struggle a lot lately.

Reader, please tell me a story. Kay, thanks!

LOVE,

Rachel

P.S. When summer school is over, I have real big plans to celebrate with sidewalk chalk.